How the Corinthians Would Handle Sexual Sin Today

Biblical archaeologists have uncovered a valuable and unique early church manuscript – the church replying to Paul’s letters addressed to the Corinthians:

From: First Church of Corinth

To: Paul, Missionary and Evangelist

Dearest Paul,

We are eternally grateful for your work in founding this church, and thank you for the letters you have sent to encourage us in the faith. We have reviewed them carefully to best to incorporate your recommendations into our program of excellence here at First Church of Corinth.

You allude to an instance of incestuous behaviour being permitted in the church. As senior pastor, I and the elders conducted an internal investigation into the matter. The facts are somewhat different than you set out. The young man in question comes from a prominent family upon whom our church depends financially. We determine that he, like Lot, was seduced and manipulated into sexually immorality by feminine trickery. Having been deceived into sin by an aggressively licentious woman, we quickly restored him into full fellowship. As for this shameless woman, you will be happy to note that we have severed relations and obtained a restraining order against her.

Clearly, you did not have all the facts at your disposal, and the discrepancy is not entirely your fault. Some disgruntled former members have been spreading malicious rumours with the intent of destroying the unity of our body. Many member “concerns” are simply unfounded, and since long ago, we have required our members to sign binding confidentiality agreements to protect our reputation from damaging or disparaging gossip. We are suing these contentious individuals to prevent any disclosures under their contractual obligations.

In the future, direct your communications only to me as senior pastor. I, as owner of the Vision and my select leadership team will fine-tune your letters and pass them on to the congregation as deemed appropriate. As you sail along to other mission fields, be assured that this ship will see its mission fully realized under my leadership and control.

Senior Pastor/CEO

Maybe your god is busy relieving himself

So they yelled louder and, in accordance with their prescribed ritual, mutilated themselves with swords and spears until their bodies were covered with blood. Throughout the afternoon they were in an ecstatic frenzy, but there was no sound, no answer, and no response. I Kings 28-29, NET Bible

With less than three weeks before the 2020 election, all signs indicate Donald Trump will lose. Maybe even lose badly. Trump can still win, and that’s what garment-rending evangelicals are beseeching God to do again. “I believe this is a president who wears the full armor of God,” one impassioned evangelical exclaimed.  Evangelicals know they… er, God… put Trump into the White House, and are confident they (He) are going to do it again. God anointed Trump’s re-election – it would humiliate God himself if Trump were ingloriously beaten and embarrassed by God’s enemies.

Despite the out-pouring of supernatural expectancy, some evangelicals have distanced themselves from the President, and bleak headlines indicate Trump’s base is somewhat eroding. One Christian Reformed pastor in Michigan made headlines by resigning from his church of Trump partisans, observing that the “white evangelical community in our country has abandoned” its role as conscience of the country. Paula White warns that Christians will “stand accountable before God’ if they vote against Trump”. If you vote against Trump, Kenneth Copeland says, you’ll be guilty of an abomination of God. It seems like TV-obsessed, narcissistic individuals understand one another.

Trump can still win; he must win and he will win because so many Christians believe in the Trump Destiny. And we have learned who Jesus is voting for from the anointed visions and prophetic words given to various Media Christians. Of course, God had to inform Pat Robertson personally that President Donald Trump will be reelected. “At 4:30 (am), the Lord said to me, I am going to give your president a second win,” prophesied a Nevada pastor whose church was hosting Trump. Back from a visit with God in Heaven, a charismatic prophetess reports that a thousand special agent angels have been deployed from Heaven to insure Trump wins. Prophecy has said so.  

There is a fever pitch atmosphere of supernatural expectancy in this last stretch. And seeing how things aren’t going according to God’s plan, Franklin Graham called for an emergency nationwide prayer huddle to beseech the Lord. With Election Day looming, these prophets and high priests will be “yelling louder”, in an “ecstatic frenzy” to gin up the evangelical vote. God, destroy our political enemies, in Jesus’ name, AMEN.

I plan to watch election night coverage on CBN to see the shock and disbelief as they see the bad news come rolling in. And, of course, see the reactions unfold as evangelicals begin to comprehend that God repudiated the Chosen One.  With “prophecy”, there is always a back door. If Trump loses on November 3rd, it’s not God’s fault. It’s the fault of lazy Christians who didn’t pray hard enough for God to intervene.

Or maybe the evangelical god was busy relieving himself.